Loss & anger

[triskellian]

To mark the one-week anniversary of the death of my grandmother, I have discovered the loss of two year's worth of email, sent and received. Correspondence with friends and family. Useful resources, interesting links, pictures, email addresses. All gone. I can think of no one message I'm sorry to have lost, but this is little consolation. I keep real letters, too, and would be heartbroken if they were to be lost. This is better in some ways - there are letters more personal, more cherished, than any email - but worse in others - my email encompasses all of my life, small things as well as large, and my side of the correspondence was there to be lost as well.

The loss is my fault. Entirely and completely the fault of my not thinking through a casual comment. I'm furious with myself.


I have a bad temper. As a child, I was frequently in trouble at school for losing my temper and hitting people. Some of you have seen me screaming at people in fury. I'm much better now. I formed a theory this week that the reason I cry easily is linked with being able to control my temper - that instead of screaming and hitting out, I cry. This evening, I was furious with myself. More angry than I can remember being for a long time. I felt the old violent anger impulses hovering around me, and I cried, and the violence dissipated. I'm calm now.

It feels rather strange to be observing, so closely, the effects of an internal phenomenon I was speculating about only days ago.

Comments

Lost Email

[bateleur.livejournal.com]

Oh nooooo !

That must suck so much. I'm generally very paranoid about data storage, but I must admit I get very cross when I do manage to lose some. My digital camera is the worst culprit - I lost all the photos from the last ever RPGSoc banquet I attended. I was not pleased.