Descent into self-doubt
Jan. 7th, 2003 10:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
triskellianTerm starts in a couple of weeks at the university where I work. In a sense, this is bad, because it means parking gets harder, and queues for lunch get longer, and other problems to do with more people being around campus. Of course, it's practically a condition of employment at a university to periodically say 'this place would be great if it weren't for all the students', even in a role with no student contact at all, like mine.
On the other hand, I seem to be studying a module this term. I was actually aware of this. In fact, I spent some time choosing the module, and applying for permission to study it. But it seemed so far in the future! It didn't quite register that it was something that was actually going to happen.
So now I'm about two weeks away from seeing if my brain still works. I wonder if it will? I haven't studied at this kind of level for six years. I'm told 'mature students'* tend to do well, and I expect to be more intelligent than most of my fellow students, but I'm out of practice. And I'm lazy. And I'm disorganised. And I'm very good at procrastinating. So I'm - perhaps unreasonably - scared.
And it's such a logistical nightmare. I'll have to make up the hours spent away from my job studying, which means no more being home by 4.15 if I feel like it. I'm no longer based on the main campus, so there's travel involved between my office and my course, and of course, there will be work to do at home. I'm already constantly complaining about the lack of hours available in my life, so why on earth am I filling yet more of them? Am I completely mad? And if it works, and I progress, as planned, onto doing an actual degree, it'll just get worse. And I will be committed to this job for the four-ish years it's likely to take. I have no intention of leaving the job - I enjoy it loads, and I've only been here for six months, but still. I'm irrationally irritated by being unable to do something I might not want to do anyway.
* 'Mature student'? Me? It doesn't seem very likely, does it? I don't feel any older than when I was an ordinary student. But I guess the seven years that separate me from normal first years are quite big and important years. They just don't feel like it.
On an entirely different note, I've just noticed it's snowing. On an already flooded and frozen city. Ah well, I rather like snow.
On the other hand, I seem to be studying a module this term. I was actually aware of this. In fact, I spent some time choosing the module, and applying for permission to study it. But it seemed so far in the future! It didn't quite register that it was something that was actually going to happen.
So now I'm about two weeks away from seeing if my brain still works. I wonder if it will? I haven't studied at this kind of level for six years. I'm told 'mature students'* tend to do well, and I expect to be more intelligent than most of my fellow students, but I'm out of practice. And I'm lazy. And I'm disorganised. And I'm very good at procrastinating. So I'm - perhaps unreasonably - scared.
And it's such a logistical nightmare. I'll have to make up the hours spent away from my job studying, which means no more being home by 4.15 if I feel like it. I'm no longer based on the main campus, so there's travel involved between my office and my course, and of course, there will be work to do at home. I'm already constantly complaining about the lack of hours available in my life, so why on earth am I filling yet more of them? Am I completely mad? And if it works, and I progress, as planned, onto doing an actual degree, it'll just get worse. And I will be committed to this job for the four-ish years it's likely to take. I have no intention of leaving the job - I enjoy it loads, and I've only been here for six months, but still. I'm irrationally irritated by being unable to do something I might not want to do anyway.
* 'Mature student'? Me? It doesn't seem very likely, does it? I don't feel any older than when I was an ordinary student. But I guess the seven years that separate me from normal first years are quite big and important years. They just don't feel like it.
On an entirely different note, I've just noticed it's snowing. On an already flooded and frozen city. Ah well, I rather like snow.
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Date: 2003-01-07 07:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-07 07:57 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-01-07 08:10 am (UTC)Just having a shitty day and pissed at various people, and just want to chill out and stuff. I'll explain more in private post I guess
Sorry :<:< It was a funny post anyway, I shouldn't whinge that much ;p
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Date: 2003-01-07 09:25 am (UTC)I never saw the post, but it's still funny now that there's a (deleted post) marker instead.
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Date: 2003-01-07 10:55 am (UTC)I thought that would still work. The original one was composed solely of a , if that helps.
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Date: 2003-01-07 11:37 am (UTC)